Monthly Archives: May 2009

A Thrice-Ruined Life

Ah, yes, I have heard about this.  Seems we are entering the period in a young girl’s life that is commonly known as the “Holy-Crap-Is-She-Insane?” phase.  And, surprise of surprises, this week alone, I have managed to completely ruin her life at least three times.  In fact, now that I think about it, I’m not sure whether those incidents can even be categorized as separate incidents or if they are, instead, just one long blended together nightmare in my sweet pre-teen’s life.

I ruined her life first this week by asking her to dust the railing on the stairway.  I know.  In retrospect, I see that this is a fate too cruel for anyone to endure, and I must be deranged to think she should help with such mundane chores around the house.  Never mind the fact that she was able to put off her chores around the house the entire weekend because she had a friend over who did not deign to leave until 9:30 the night before.  This little bit of kindness bestowed upon her by me, the evil mother, was quickly forgotten when she had to (gasp!) clean.  She asked me why I did not just name her Cinderella.  “Hmmm…not a bad idea,” I told her.  “May I call you Cindy for short?”  I have never before seen steam actually pour from a girl’s nose and out her ears, but I’m pretty sure if anyone could make it happen, she could.  She was so mad, and I’m not sure she’s over it yet.
I went on to ruin her life by not knowing, either by reading tea leaves or looking into my crystal ball, where her misplaced cell phone might be.  She proceeded to blame her sister, burst into a tirade about how her life was ruined, and sob…all at the same time.  Now, an understanding and compassionate mother would have likely tried to console her and help her find said phone.  And I would have.  Really.  But I couldn’t stop laughing.  And it was one of those laughs that you try not to allow even to begin, because you know that once you start, you will not be able to stop for quite some time.  So, as I laughed, she glared, and I swear she was trying to force steam from her nostrils again.
Lastly (well, for now anyway), I ruined her life this morning by thwarting her ever so meticulously planned summer.  My lovely offspring informed me that since today is the last day of school, she is excited for summer…because she is planning to spend a lot of time at the creek (what?) that is located off the walking path in our neighborhood, about 1/2 mile from our house.  Alone.  Just her and whatever other little friends may convince their brain-numbed parents that this might be a good idea.  But let’s remain rational here…what could possibly happen at the creek?  Well, aside from the usual pre-teen experimenting (the thought of which sends me into a spiraling migraine) and aside from the possible abduction by strangers who might happen to be looking for innocent and naive young girls wandering aimlessly throughout their summer vacation.  Yeah, what was I thinking?  It’ll be totally cool.  Totally.  Nope, I’m not convinced, and after telling her that she would drastically have to scale back those summer plans, her life has begun its horrifying tailspin into loser-ville, and no doubt she will be the only one who has an uptight mom who won’t let her traipse around the creek all summer.  Man, I never thought being uptight would feel so good.
I will try, however, to keep a straight face through whatever crisis may strike next.  I’ll only laugh in the privacy of…well, what privacy?  The heck with it…after all these kids put us through, we ought to be able to laugh at them every now and then!

Throw a Little Sand on the Barbie

Oh, yes, Jadon is at it again, and this time, he decided to help out with the cooking for Mother’s Day.  We had the moms and grandmas over to our house for a cook-out, and while outside with daddy while he was grilling, Jadon decided that he would help “cook,” too, so he grabbed a grubby little paw full of sand and threw it over all the burgers that were cooking.

One might think that lunch plans were changed, burgers were ruined, etc.  But, oh no…there’s more.  I only learned about his little culinary adventure when, while standing around the kitchen with everyone, my mom makes this horrible face while eating.  (Not the sort of face you want to see when someone is eating at your house.)  So, I asked if something was wrong.  And she said, “Well, not really.  The burger tastes good, but it’s a little gritty.”
I’m sure I had a puzzled look on my face, when Jason piped in and said nonchalantly, “Oh, that’s just the sand.”  He even did this with a little wave of his hand, as if to say ‘No big deal.’
Mortified, I asked “WHAT SAND?”
“The sand that Jadon threw on the grill.  I brushed most of it off, and I cooked the burgers a little longer to try to burn it off.”
Really, really mortified, I replied, “You can’t burn sand off burgers!  It’s sand!”
So, not only did Jadon spice up the burgers with his own special seasoning straight from the turtle sandbox, Jason went ahead and served the burgers.  But wait…there’s more.  After feeding them to everyone, did he throw them away?  Oh, no he did not.  He bagged them up, put them in the refrigerator, and saved them for left-overs!  So, if anyone is hungry, we have several sand burgers left…feel free to swing by anytime!
I’m sure those who were in attendance will be rushing to get to our future gatherings.