Things You Should Know By the Time You Are 3 Years Old

  1. Candy tastes good.  Brussels sprouts…not so much.
  1. Cartoons are a gift to all mankind, and you should spend as many waking hours of the day watching them as possible.
  1. Naps are not fun (unless you are Mommy’s age, in which case, naps are quite enjoyable).
  1. Dirt is a boy’s best friend.  Well, that and worms and bugs and other sorts of creepy-crawlies.
  1. A muddy face + and impish smile = the quickest way to get a smile out of Mom.
  1. Shoes will fit on either foot, and sometimes wearing them on the wrong feet can be fun.
  1. The toilet is in the bathroom, and OH MAH GAWD, we DON’T. SMEAR. POOP. ON. THE. Bleepity-bleep-bleep-WALLS!
I will now elaborate on Number 7.  Seems that if mud is fun, poop is even MORE fun.  Oh yes, gooey, sticky poop.  And not even poop from your own pull-up.  Oooooh, noooooo.  It’s much better painting-poop if you DIG it out of your BROTHER’S pull-up.
I was calmly enjoying my 2 allotted calories of protein (and YES, the fact that I’m starving to death might be making me a little more irritable than normal) when I heard Jadon call out from his room something that sounded like, “Mama, dear poop and a wall.”
I thought to myself that even though it sounded a lot like “there’s poop on the wall,”  it couldn’t possibly be what he was saying.  Because they have seen Mommy’s head actually spin around as my eyeballs shoot from their sockets, and I’m sure they are in no urgent need of seeing that again.  So, I calmly set aside my remaining morsel of dinner, rolled my eyes, and sort of laughed this wonder-what-they’re-up-to-now laugh.
For the sake of not having to drag my screaming muscles up the stairs twice, I grabbed the box of baby wipes and a pull-up…just in case.  Let me just say that baby wipes would not have begun to touch the mess that I found.  I should have brought the pressure-washer instead.
And what I found was…OH MAH GAWD (wait a sec, I already said that)…it was sort of what you might imagine finding if you entered the monkey cage at the zoo right after they had all finished picking poop out of each other’s butts and flinging it at the nearby gawkers.
You know how in those really gory movies, there’s blood everywhere and you know there was just a chainsaw murderer in the room?  Well, it sort of looked like that…but with poop.  Really stinky poop.
But wait.  There’s more.
At first glance, Jordan looked like the only guilty party, and Jadon was certainly leading me to believe that with his innocent little “look what Jor-an do.”  However, my supremely honed detective skills have trained me to look beyond the obvious.  My next step (well, after I set off the alarm bell and called for back-up STAT) was to search for the source of the foulness that was now smeared across the walls.
And do you think the foulness was in Jordan’s pants?  No.  No, it was not.  There was a stench emanating from Jadon’s butt, and he slowly backed toward the wall so that I could not check his pants.  Clearly, since Jordan’s pants were clean (again, my detective skills at work), he had provided the artistic material for Jordan’s newest experiment in modern art.
Jordan’s hands were covered halfway to the elbows, and there was poop on the walls, on the bed, on his clothes.  Oh, the disgusting disgustingness of it all!
At first I was speechless, and then speech came.  Let’s just say that right now, I’m glad Jordan can’t repeat what Mommy was muttering as she was scouring the walls.  And what do you think Jadon did?  He said, “Mommy, we don’t say dat word.”
Oooooh, yes.  Sometimes we do say that word.

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