Dear Ms. S (Name withheld to protect the innocent):
It is with my most sincere apologies that I write you this post-meet-the-teacher-night follow-up letter. While it was very nice to meet you, I am sure you are still recovering, probably with a martini in one hand and a fistful of Xanax in the other.
I’m sure nothing can quite prepare you for the start of each new school year, and I wish I could tell you it was an anomaly that Jordan was able to systematically destroy your classroom in the amount of time it took us to sign the parent forms. Had I known you were a fan of Buzz Lightyear and his posse and that you intended to decorate your classroom with these characters, I would certainly have told you about Jordan’s probable reaction.
Please forgive him for licking the window and trying to remove your Buzz and Woody clings from the opposite side of the glass to which they were actually adhered. I assure you, he is carrying no communicable diseases, so other than the pool of drool he left behind, there should be no adverse effects. Also, had I known you would provide coloring sheets with his favorite characters, I would have promptly mentioned his propensity to eat said coloring sheets.
As for your question regarding his lack of speech…um, that’s sort of why we’re there. We can’t seem to make him say anything other than a few select words, so we’re hoping that you, Buzz, and the gang can somehow entice him to start chatting up a storm.
Now would also be a good time to mention that cute little-person-sized cabinet you have in your room. Since we’ve already had to drag him out of it once, it would be good to mention that it will most likely happen again—daily. So if you happen to look up during story time to find him missing, I would suggest checking all the cabinets first.
Finally, it was nice of you to want to take his picture with his family, but I would like to add that anything that makes him stand still for more than a tenth of a giga-second sort of tends to turn him into a short-circuited version of R2D2…but the version that would be on crack, if you can imagine that. So in the future, if you need pictures, I would suggest maybe a high-speed lens for action shots.
I wish you the best of luck this school year. We will have him promptly on the bus, and should you need anything from us, we’ll be available to take your calls between 8:00 p.m. and 8:05 p.m. every night. Other than that, well, you know…that whole good luck thing again.