Monthly Archives: September 2010

Chainsaw In My Head

How to describe a migraine?  This is a difficult concept to explain to those who do not suffer from them, and I have to admit that lately I’ve been feeling a bit spoiled  because of the lack of migraine appearances in my life.
Wellll, let me tell you, evidently what my body has been doing over the past few months is storing up all the migraine strength that was yet to be used and preparing to unleash it on me in a relentless fury.  Right now, I have a hammer or a chainsaw or a grenade that resides right behind my eyes, and every now and then something will happen to make it just up and give me a good whack just for the heck of it.  You know, like if a horn honks or a light turns on unexpectedly, or if someone wearing incredibly potent perfume crosses my path.  (And what’s up with the perfume anyway?  Ugh.)
So here’s how the last few days have gone.  I go work out, go in to work, and commence eating Excedrin by the handful until I feel nauseous enough to need to eat lunch.  I usually grab something small-ish to wash down the next fistful of aspirin as I pray to get food in my stomach before I actually hurl all over the place right here at work.  Then, after lunch, the hammer in my head slows to a slow, dull tapping that gradually accelerates as I approach the end of the day.
I then crawl to my car, begging to be hit by a Mack truck on the way…because that would be less painful.  I drive home in relentless traffic, and when I finally get to collapse on our couch, I take a migraine med. which proceeds to turn my tense and aching body into jell-o over the next 30 minutes or so.
After about half an hour, the migraine starts to ease up, and I actually feel like I might be able to function and interact with my family.  And I could.  If it weren’t for the drugged feeling I get from the migraine pill.  It sort of feels like I’m laying around in a big marshmallow, sort of that drunk, almost-buzzed feeling you get after a couple of drinks, but without the bad side effects that would normally come with drinking.
So, my kids are left to assume one of two things.  Either they are afraid that my head might spontaneously combust if I actually take my hands off my temples (usually I’m sitting there with my hands on my head, as if physically trying to hold it together).  Or they are left to think that post-medication Mommy is a fuzzy, drunken lump of listless spaghetti on the couch.  I have yet to decide which of these is better.
Please let the migraine fairy come and sprinkle magic fairy dust (or aspirin) that will immediately get rid of this pesky throbbing in my head!

Things That Can Wait

I’m having a lot of fun with lists lately, so I thought I would continue down that path, at least for one more post.  This one is more of a list of personal preferences, but I thought my husband might find it especially helpful if I outlined some things for him.  So, without further ado…
Things That Can Wait Until Tomorrow
  • Folding the clean towels.  This can definitely wait.
  • Giving the boys a bath.  This can sometimes wait, although this is only advisable if there has been no playing in the mud or with one’s own poop.
  • Mowing the lawn.  After all, it’s almost fall, and pretty soon the snow will cover up all the unsightly weeds that currently plague our lawn.
  • Putting air in the tire that could explode at any moment while your wife is driving her car.  Not that I have been begging to have my tire examined or anything.  But you know, if I had, it could maybe wait.
  • Changing light bulbs in rooms that are only used for a few minutes each day.  Like the closet, because I don’t really need to see what I’m going to wear for the day.  I like it to be like a lottery system.
Things That Could Get You In BIG, Mega, Holy-Shitake Mushrooms Trouble If You Postpone for Even One Nanosecond
  • Finding the bleepity-bleep-bleep SLIMY SNAKE that has escaped into our house and is most likely on a quest to devour one of our gazillion children!
Let me just be clear.  This cannot wait.  Not for a minute, not for a second…and most definitely not until tomorrow.
While I understand you gave it a good ol’ Boy Scout try and were probably very understandably frustrated after 10 minutes of a reconnaissance mission with no snake to show for all your trouble, it is simply unacceptable to return to your room, turn off the lights, and crawl into bed while saying, “We’ll find it tomorrow.”
WHAT?!!?  We’ll find it when?  Oh, we’ll find it now, mister, and we’ll find it before it eats your daughter’s bunny for a midnight snack!
Any-hoo, there are any number of things that might happen if you save this task for another day:
1)    I could either have a stroke or attempt to kill you in your sleep.
2)    One of your children will wake up shrieking, with a snake wrapped around a little ankle, and then we’ll have to pay for therapy and meds for the kid for the rest of our lives.
3)    The snake could die in our house and stink up the entire block for months.  It would be WAY worse than that damn mouse that died in the garage and tortured us with its stench for a week or more.
4)    I could wake up with a snake in my bed, and then, well, let’s just say snake hunting will be your only nightly activity for a loooong time to come.
5)    We could impose an immediate marshall law system, whereby it’s every man for himself.  I’m pretty sure I could come up with enough ammo to root that little sucker out of his hiding spot.
Or, you know what, we could just find the snake, put it back in its box, nail-gun it shut so there would never be another escape, and then…and only THEN…we could get some sleep.

Not As It Seems

This is sort of a public service announcement of sorts, meant to help anyone who may be traveling in the near future.  It has been brought to my attention that unknowing travelers may, due to circumstances beyond their control, find themselves in the midst of certain celebrations without even knowing the celebration is occurring.
Now, most of the time, this would merely be an added bonus to the trip.  However (and that’s a BIG however), there are certain celebrations about which one may wish to have heightened awareness.  And there are certain travelers (ahem…Jason and dude friend that I will politely refrain from naming) who could most probably benefit from this knowledge.
I therefore present to you…
How To Know If You’ve Accidentally Ended Up Smack In The Middle Of Gay Mardi Gras Without Knowing It
(I know, I know.  I could happen to anyone, right?  Um, actually no, I don’t think so.)
  • You suddenly realize that Bourbon Street is filled with patrons wearing ass-less chaps and various other leather accoutrements.
  • You make the observation that cover charge is FREE for each and every single straight bar.  (Hmmm, maybe because there were absolutely NO patrons there for them?)
  • People are dancing in the streets to a blasting rendition of ‘YMCA.’
  • Most of the “girls” present on the street either have Adam’s apples or a 5 o’clock shadow.
  • Strange men are suddenly offering to buy you and your buddy a drink.
I never really thought I would find myself needing to compose a list such as this, but alas, how life can surprise us!  Turns out that Jason and his buddy, while on a boys’ casino trip for the weekend stumbled across a wild and crazy Bourbon Street celebration, one which they happily joined.  They drank.  They laughed.  They walked up and down the street, taking it all in.
Upon their return, they regaled us all with tales of the crazy sites they had seen on Bourbon Street, complete with most of the above-mentioned scenarios.  And only after they returned, after they told of their evening-long adventure in the heart of New Orleans did one of Jason’s close friends say to him, “Dude, did you know it was gay Mardi Gras that weekend?”
And, of course, he did not.  As I laugh about this, I’m starting to envision ways of tormenting him endlessly.  Perhaps a pair of his very own ass-less chaps for Christmas?

New Words

Jordan is in his third week of school now, and he is trying so hard to talk!  He has a few words that are very clear and now even more that are clear only to us.  I think I was most excited about the word ‘paper’ because it was the first word he attempted that wasn’t a duplicating word (like ‘mama’ or ‘dada’ or ‘buba’).  Ok, so it came out a little like ‘papa,’ which would technically be one of those words, BUT he meant to say ‘paper.’  And it was so exciting!
He was so proud of himself.  And every time I praise him for his good talking, he just beams.  That kid is such a pleaser.  He wants to do things, and do them right.  He doesn’t like to be in trouble.  So when he gets praise for trying his hardest to say words that are so difficult for him, he simply beams!
It’s only been three weeks, but I think he’s gained some confidence, too.  Now, he doesn’t walk to the bus.  He saunters.  It’s sort of a jaunty little hop/strut as he heads off to school.  (And to think, I was worried about how traumatized he might be!)  He happily puts on his little flame-design backpack and his big-boy jeans, and he saunters.  I love it!
And he wears hair gel.  He has this spiky little ‘do going on, and he’s pretty proud of that, too.  Turns out, this school thing is working for him.  Go, Jordan!