Monthly Archives: September 2011

Regression

If I remember correctly, there are certain traits that are generally associated with 2-year-olds and sometimes even with highly advanced 1-year-olds.  All of my kids have gone through the ‘Terrible Twos,’ otherwise known as ‘The Years When Mommy Drinks a Lot,’ and we have somehow muddled through it.
But here’s the deal.  Everyone in my house gets one shot at it.  There are no do-overs.  Say, for example, you turn 4 and you suddenly realize, ‘Hey, I could have been WAY more TERRIBLE.’  Yeah, you don’t get to go back in time and try all over again to be terrible.  That is plainly and patently against the rules—and for good reason.  Kids, listen closely; I’m going to tell you the reason.  It’s because we almost killed you the first time around.  You might not get so lucky the second time.
So just as a refresher, I decided to go over some of the things that typically define the standard American 2-year-old.  Here they are (and this list is by no means exhaustive):
·      The little buggers are possessive.  They think everything belongs to them, from blenders to piles of dog poop to the secret stash of Oreos hidden in the back of the pantry for Mommy to have after bedtime.  Everything.  And if they cannot lay claim to what they believe is rightfully theirs, BEHOLD, THE END OF DAYS, my friends.

·      Their emotions are all over the place—happy one minute, pissed off the next (kind of like Mommy if her happy meds were to run out).

·      They are particular about food, often demanding buttloads of cheese dumped over noodles, peanut butter, or cereal.  That’s it.  If it’s green, remotely healthy, or not a big pile of mush, they refuse to eat it.

·      They often insist on doing things themselves, without help.  Ever.  No help required.  “No thank you, Mommy, your assistance is no longer required.  I don’t care if it takes 2 hours to put on my shoes.  I WANT TO DO IT MYSELF.”
·      They are tantrum-throwing geniuses, most likely going into full-on fit mode while you are in the most public place possible (making it unadvisable to beat them).
·      They demand your attention at all times, day or night.  You are at their beck and call.  And when they call, you had better damn well shake a tail feather and get your patootie moving in their general direction immediately, or else…well, see the one about tantrums.
After a thorough review of the typical traits of 2-year-olds, I have come to the conclusion that one of the following must be the case:
  1. Sometime in the recent past, Jadon has been kidnapped by aliens, who then proceeded to replace him with a body double which is actually a 2-year-old in disguise.
  2. Jadon possibly has some rare illness, causing him to reverse in age gradually, whereby by the time he reaches 5 years of age, he will actually be pooping in his pants again.
  3. Holy sheep-shit, Batman!  I totally lost count of the number of kids in our house, and someone snuck in a stray 2-year-old to torture us and keep us up all night long.
  4. And, I’m pretty sure it’s not this, but I have to put it in just in case.  There is a remote possibility that throughout the night, Jadon actually DOES deal with approximately 3 ‘too itchy’ shirts, 1 loose Band-Aid, 2 wrinkled blankets, a hurt arm, a lost pillow, hot pajamas, and the excessive need to urinate.  At least that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

We have reverted back to toddlerhood.  Someone please medicate me.

Handy-Dandy Guide to Understanding the Behavior of Bridge Trolls

It has come to my attention that we Bridge Trolls are an anomaly to other humans and not at all easily understood when it comes to our quirks and idiosyncrasies.  Therefore, I feel it is my duty, as an upstanding Bridge Troll, to outline and highlight some of the more pertinent details regarding our behavior patterns.  I hope you will find the tips in this guide helpful.
Tip #1—When approaching the Bridge Troll, be sure to approach from the front, taking care not to startle her out of whatever trance may be overcoming her at the moment.  Example:  If the Bridge Troll is deeply engrossed in a book and you stealthily approach from behind, startling her and causing a disruption in her reading pattern, this will likely cause an outburst or, at a minimum, a warning growl.  If this should occur, slowly back away, being careful to avoid direct eye contact, as this can be seen as a sign of aggression to the Bridge Troll.
Tip #2—It is important to note that conversations with the Bridge Troll must be succinct and direct.  Keep extraneous information and chatting to a minimum, getting directly to the point.  The Bridge Troll does not normally tolerate dissertations or drawn-out speeches of any sort, and therefore, after approximately 3 minutes of talking, you should present the Bridge Troll with your main point and ask directly for feedback.  Excessive chatting, especially when the Bridge Troll is in a very troll-like and introverted mood, can result in irritability and a heightened state of agitation.
Tip #3—The Bridge Troll needs to be well-rested, especially when being confronted with subject areas that require much thought or deliberation.  Lack of sleep can cause the Bridge Troll to growl uncontrollably, and if this situation is not remedied hastily, frenzied movements and foaming at the mouth may occur.  If the situation escalates to this state, it is very important that you take cover immediately.  DO NOT engage the Bridge Troll if she is experiencing a heightened state of agitation.
Tip #4—If the Bridge Troll has experienced a highly active or overly stimulating day, it is quite possible that she may react more acutely to environmental noise and upsetting situations.  If you are aware that this is the case, it is advisable to maintain a quiet environment, thereby soothing the Bridge Troll back into a sense of well-being.  Should over-stimulation occur, cursing and slamming of nearby objects is likely.  Take cover immediately.
Tip #5—When in doubt, leave the Bridge Troll alone.  There are certain signs and signals given forth by the Bridge Troll that will allow you to recognize oncoming agitation.  These include, but are not limited to, burying the head while reading, hiding in closets, covering ears with hands to block noise, snapping and growling when answering questions, and elevating the television volume excessively to drown out surrounding noises.  Should any of these signs be present, it is advisable to give the Bridge Troll a wide path, as she is likely on the verge of aggression.  It is best to seek refuge in an adjoining room.  And whatever you do, DO NOT make eye contact.
These tips are provided as a public service.  There is hope that all Bridge Trolls and regular people can live in peace, but in order to find a balance, certain societal norms must be recognized and appreciated.  Good luck in your future dealings with any Bridge Trolls you may meet.