Monthly Archives: October 2011

Why My Sinuses Should Just Eat Shit and Die:

A heartfelt look inside my pain



Seriously, WTF?  Was I not just rejoicing about the beautiful fall weather?  Did I not praise the lovely changing leaves and sing into the briskly blowing wind?  I have been nothing but nice, so I would like to know what I have done to piss off whoever is in charge of my sinuses.
I have waited months for fall to get here.  I have endured heat and humidity.  And heat.  And stuff that’s HOT all summer long.  And when I finally breathe in the cool, refreshing air of autumn, what happens?!
That’s right.  My sinuses go al wonky-ape-shit on me and now my eyeballs are about to pop out of my head, there is a pretty permanent snot flow (like a lava flow, but WAY slimier) running out of my nose, and my ears won’t stop popping.  My throat is also sore, but that could be from my continual cursing about my wretched sinuses.
Also, I’m starting to suspect that I’m breathing like Darth Vader, which is sort of how I tend to sound whenever I forget my inhaler.  You know how when you get in the elevator with the one dude at work who breathes like he just RAN up 12 flights of stairs to get to the pastry cart?  Yeah, I can hear myself wheezing, and I’m pretty sure I sound like that dude, and I don’t even have a donut to show for it.
I’m pretty sure the medicine cabinet at home is devoid of anything other than Cars Band-Aids and gummy vitamins, so I’m going to need to make a quick stop.  Mommy’s going to be having a NyQuil cocktail tonight.  Shaken, not stirred.

Reasons to Love Fall

(or Why Mommy Isn’t Insanely Grumpy All the Time Anymore…Only Sometimes…And Only When the Kids Really Deserve It)
  • When walking outside without my shoes, my feet do not instantly sizzle like strips of bacon on the driveway.
  • I can turn on the stove and cook something without feeling like I am in the midst of an inferno, with all the breathable (and cool) air having been sucked out of the room by the unrelenting burning FLAMES of summer.  (Noooo, kids, this does not mean that I will actually cook.  It only means that I could cook…if I wanted to.)
  • My children are not constantly bugging me to take them to the tepid, chlorine-filled tub at the front of the sub-division…otherwise known as the pool.  Even if they did beg, we can’t go because it’s closed.  So there, kids, take that!
  • The dog will finally pee outside without being dragged by the neck until near-death.  And by the way, aren’t dogs supposed to like going outside?  He’s a dog, for the love of all that is holy!
  • The kids will finally pee inside.  Ok, well I’m sort of kidding on this one (maybe), but it is a bit chilly out there, and if they drop their drawers in the back yard, they might catch a bit of a breeze this time of year.  Yay for indoor plumbing!

And finally, the number one reason why Mommy is no longer a total fire-breathing beast:
  • Holy hallelujah, my boobs have stopped sweating!  Seriously guys, you have no idea how grumpy this can make a gal.  I’m so happy fall is here I could sing.  I could dance.  I could swing from the treetops!  (But that might make my boobs sweat, so instead I’m just going to sit here and enjoy the beginnings of the crisp autumn air.)