There’s probably a really good reason why Jason is the one who attended the high school parent-teacher conferences during first quarter of this year. It has come to my attention that, of the two of us, he is clearly the one who can manage to keep his mouth shut.
But ok, in my defense… Nevermind, there’s really no defense, so I’ll just tell you my side of the story. Jason was out of town, and he should really try to find out if there’s going to be math or science homework before he leaves because we all know that Mama don’t do calculating (unless it has to do with figuring up what percentage I’m getting off of a really cute pair of jeans), and Mama evidently doesn’t play well with others when it comes to figuring out damned DNA strands either, Mr. Stupid-Pants Science Teacher.
Here’s the deal. If a teacher sends home an assignment, and it’s in black and white on a piece of old-fashioned paper (you know, the stuff they make out of trees), and IF we are allowed to find the answer in one of those old-fashioned bound paper things known as BOOKS, then yeah, I can be fairly helpful. But oooohhhh noooo, Mr. Nerdy-Pants-Dork-Ass-Science-Teacher has to send home this online experiment whereby we have to combine some sort of DNA strand and compare it with some other DNA strand online and find the similarities/differences, like we’re trying to figure out who da baby daddy is in some sort of messed up online simulation in a stupid computer program that kept stopping mid-experiment. Yay fun.
Soooo, about the sixth time we attempted to complete the stupid dumb dumb experiment, Non-Science-Loving-Mommy says, “That’s enough. Just tell this guy the computer program wasn’t working, and you couldn’t complete the experiment.”
And Micaela replies, “I can’t do that. I’ll get a detention.”
And Mommy says (and don’t judge, because I’m not proud of this moment), “If you get a detention, I swear to God I will tell that man to suck it.”
And Micaela says, “Um, I guess and can see what answers Ali got tomorrow.” (Because I’m pretty sure she thought I was going to tell her science teacher to suck it, and then she would have to drop out of school due to sheer mortification, and then she would have no high school degree, and then she would have to work as a dancer and earn her living in one dollar bills, and it would all be her mother’s fault, and oh Dear Jesus, why couldn’t she just have a normal family?!)
Anyway, so I told Jason this story. And he said, “Oh my God. You told her to tell her teacher to suck it?!” And he had this totally incredulous tone to his voice.
And I was all like, “Pfft, nooooo, you’re not listening. I told her that I was going to tell her teacher to suck it. I would NEVER tell HER to say something like that. What kind of parent do you think I am?” Sheesh.