As a parent, you may have questions about your children as they grow. (No, this is not some new-age self-help brochure. Stick with me for a minute.) Here are some of the more obscure ones—the ones you may be embarrassed to ask, along with the answers you may be afraid to receive. You are welcome.
Will my child ever get out of my room?
No. Not ever. Really, at least not in your lifetime. In fact, you will find yourself waking in the middle of the night to find nearly full-grown, hairy-legged man-children curled up on your floor whispering ‘G’night, Mama’ to you in their deepening, ever-so-creepy little man voices. They will never leave your room. You will probably never be alone with your spouse again. No sex ever again. Get used to it.
Will my child ever learn to use utensils like a human?
Not if your child is a boy. His fork will always double as a scoop shovel, a tool to get food from Point A to Point B, and if you are lucky, he will learn to drop less and less of said food as it travels from his plate to his face. Some of us, though, are not even that lucky. Get a good broom.
Will my child ever stop wetting the bed?
Probably not. In fact, I have heard tales of many a grown man wetting the bed after watching particularly scary movies, so be prepared and keep plastic sheets on hand. In all seriousness, though, no. If you have a bed-wetter, may God have mercy on your soul. Invest in Febreeze, towels, and lots and lots of Overnights pants.
If I am open and honest with my child, can I expect the same in return?
Absolutely not. They will lie their little butts off if they think they have a shot in hell of staying out of trouble. This goes for the good ones, too. Learn to look for the signs. They are shifty. If they fidget or don’t make eye contact, they are lying. If you suspect they might be lying, they are lying. If you think they might be telling the truth, they are lying.
My teen says she thinks boys are gross. Should I believe her?
Hell no. If she’s telling you that boys are ‘gross’ or that she’s not ‘into’ guys, this is your first cue to get out the chastity belt—the faster the better. She’s checking out the eye candy, and you’d best be on guard. Set the traps. Be on the lookout. You don’t want to be called ‘Granny’ anytime soon.
My children roll their eyes at me. Could this be a medical condition?
Absolutely. It’s called IMA-BEAT-YOUR-ASS, and it is very contagious, especially among teenage populations. Chances are, when you see one teen rolling her eyes, there will be others. Other signs of this disease are shoulder shrugging, sighing, and foot stomping. The only cure is to quarantine exposed teens to their rooms with no electronic access for a minimum of one week. Also, screaming and yelling help, sort of like exorcising a demon.
Will my child turn out ok? Will my child become a productive member of society?
Eh, probably. Who knows? Odds are that, no matter how many times you’ve messed up, gone batshit crazy up on their little butts, or even dropped them on their heads, they are going to turn out just fine. So for now, sit back, sip some wine, try to shrug off some eye rolls, yell a little when you need to. Then cross your fingers and hope like hell that you did ok.