I have learned several things from my 5-year-old boys. I know, I know—this is surprising, considering the fact that this is not our first rodeo. After all, the boys are numbers four and five, respectively, so you would think that as parents, by now, we would know all there is to know, right? Wrong-O. These little guys have done gone and SKOOLED us.
Two 5-year-old boys together are a force to be reckoned with. Much like a tsunami combined with a hurricane that happens right after a Category 5 tornado, they can leave one with that stunned feeling—you know the one? Right after you get hit on the head with something really hard? Or when you turn around and think are going to walk freely but end up walking into a wall instead? Yeah, that feeling. That’s the double-5-year-old-boy feeling.
So here are some of the things I have learned from “The Boys”:
- They will drive you crazy by fighting all day and then sneak contraband M&Ms into their room at night, because they know you will pretend not to see. Because, you guys, SO not worth the battle. Just not worth it. And they know this. They are smart that way.
- Apparently, it is HILARIOUS to get out of the bathtub and then immediately jump up and down to feel one’s private bits wobble. I’m not sure what makes this funny, but I have learned that this will make two little boys howl with laughter. The best thing to do is wrangle them quickly and get some SpongeBob undies on those little butts STAT.
- Pajamas are meant to be hung in the closet, shirts belong in the toy box, and pants are not necessarily mandatory. They do not follow the same wardrobe rules that we do. Nor do they seem to notice the stares as we go in public wearing mismatched shoes and pajama bottoms. (I believe this might carry forward into adulthood for many males.)
- A good game of hide-and-seek is the best way to dust under any bed in the house. These little guys will invariably crawl into the dirtiest places, and with their short summertime haircuts, they usually come out looking like the working end of a Swiffer duster. Be prepared to toss them in the bathtub afterward.
- If something is uncomfortable, they are not shy about adjusting it, scratching it, announcing it, or simply outright protesting it. This will usually occur in public, so be warned. Also, it usually has something to do with their underpants, so um, good luck.
- They will set lofty goals. Currently, Jadon wants to be a ‘sterminator.’ This is because Billy the Exterminator rocks and is the coolest bug-stomping, raccoon-trapping, bumble-bee-shooing dude ever to grace Netflix. This also means they will carry around water bottles and spray anything that looks like it might be a bug, because, you guys, ‘Sterminator!’
They will be sweet and crazy and funny and snuggly, and some days they will drive me to my wit’s end. And those are the days they will ask why Mommy’s lemonade smells really funny. And I tell them that my lemonade smells funny because it is Mommy’s very special lemonade that is just for grown-ups, and then after a couple glasses of my special lemonade everything gets all funny and cute again, and even though the house is wrecked and pajamas may be spinning from the ceiling fan, we are all having a great time. Because boys are awesome!