A Translation Project

In a continuing effort to understand my children more fully and answer the ever-present question of, “What the hell was he/she thinking?!” I have put together the following translation of a recent Kindergarten document.  (Because I’m pretty sure that no one, the teacher included, would be able to understand what the hell Jadon was writing on this paper.)  In order to clarify what this particular Kindergartener was thinking, I have provided the following translation.
First of all, here is the assignment in question.  I have gone over the sentences in depth.  (You will notice a PLETHORA of red ink, but I’m pretty sure that’s just because it’s the teacher’s favorite color…not because my Sweeeet Precious could have made that many errors.)
1   (What it should have said)

I can do it.
(What it really says)
I can do it.
(So far, so good.  We are looking at a potential future writer!)
(What it should have said)
We will see you.
(What it really says.)
We ap see lot, which means I would rather be playing Skylanders right now.
(What the hell?!  Did he get into my NyQuil?)
(What it should have said)
She will look for me.
(What it really says)
She sank er on, which means This is getting more boring by the minute.
(What it should have said)
The cat is in the box.
(What it really says)
The con in f to, which means If I pee my pants, can I leave class?
(We are going to flunk Kindergarten.)
(What it should have said)
He was on the step.
(What it really says)
Heat len that la ys, which means I only remember to wash my hands occasionally.
(Ummm, holy crap.  What the hell is he doing?  It’s like he’s never seen a flashcard or a book before!)
(What it should have said)
Something about a chip…at this point the teacher has given up.
(What it really says…apparently in Roman numerals)
This is not my Wii game, therefore I refuse to cooperate.
(Can Kindergarteners go to summer school?)
I don’t believe I need to continue to the end of the paper.  Needless to say, it goes downhill, people.  Down a big, long, dark, scary hill.  We are over halfway through Kindergarten, and apparently words like ‘jam’ and ‘hop’ and ‘nut’ are now written like, well, more Roman numerals.
And his explanation?  “I was bored.”
Yeah, I would have to concur.  Something makes me think that if this assignment had been given on the ipad or if he had been able to complete it on my laptop, the results would have been much different.  The poor kid is being made to live like a caveman and (gasp!) write with pencils and use other stone-age-type tools like books and such.  I’m not sure how he’s going to make it.  The next thing you know, we’re going to be asking him to do things like play outside and maybe even step away from Netflix for a little while.

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