Monthly Archives: July 2013

Hello, Summer

Well, hello there, blog.  It’s been a while.  That’s because my children have been home…as in up in my beeswax for weeks now, and I’ma having to be all crafty and fun and summertime-mom-like.  Anyway, here’s a quick recap of our summer so far.
Micaela and Marissa just ROCKED it at Trampoline Nationals.  Marissa and her synchro partner took home the bronze medal!  Woot!  Micaela is 18thin the nation in the Junior Elite level, which pretty much rocks.  Marissa took 10th in the nation at Level 9.  So pretty much, my girls are looking at a bright career in the circus.  But before that, we are of course heading to the Olympics, right Coach Carl?
Thanks to a lovely Mine Craft tutorial and our summer school (delinquent) friends, Jadon and Jordan have learned many fine curse words that we have to un-learn before the school year starts, lest we have a fun-filled First-Grade year spent in the principal’s office.  Also, I fear that other parents will start to shun us and look upon our parenting skills as less than satisfactory if we don’t get this particular problem under control.  I have considered claiming a Tourette’s problem, but it’s highly doubtful that people would believe that BOTH boys suffer from the same ailment.
Savannah, our lovely and sweet rescue dog, has learned to poach wildlife from our backyard.  While this is a fascinating pastime for a dog, I find it less than appealing when she brings her conquests into the house and plops them onto my lap as little gifts representing her love and affection for me.  On one particularly nice day, I left the door open so that she could come and go as she pleased, and she plopped a very dead bird onto my lap.  It was one of those things that took a couple of seconds to register, as no one really expects to receive a DEAD FREAKING BIRD on their lap, so you know, it just took a while for my brain to catch up with what was really happening.  And then when everything clicked, I screamed, “Dead bird!  Ewwww!  Dead bleeeeepppping bird!!!”  (Except I didn’t say ‘bleeping,’ and that may also be where my kids learned one of their unacceptable vocabulary words.)  And so Micaela had to come and get the dead bird off of the couch, and I had to disinfect the couch, and all the while, Savannah was looking at me like I was the most ungrateful gift recipient EVER.
Also, Rudi, our white dog, is red.  I don’t know how he got red, but I suspect the kids have colored him with Kool-Aid, although no one will confess to this particular crime.  I’m telling you guys, I’m being overrun in my own home.  Is it back-to-school time yet?
Jordan found a ‘box of stickers’ in the bathroom, or at least that’s what he told me when I asked why the entire wall was covered in panty liners.  It was really a nice summertime chic look, and if we’d had guests, I’m sure they would have appreciated the creativity in our décor.  Holy hell, I had a wall covered in feminine products, you guys!  I’m pretty sure that’s when I realized I was outnumbered.
I found Jordan pretending to brush his teeth with the toilet brush, which was pretty gross, so I made him go brush his teeth for real.  He thought it was funny, so I didn’t tell him that brush had everyone’s microscopic SHIT remnants on it.  I’m not sure what runs through these kids’ heads sometimes, but I do know they will have the best immune systems around.
The boys left an entire bucket of crayons out for the dogs to eat, which is probably why they make those things non-toxic.  You know, so that family pets can munch on them without too many consequences.  Jordan may have eaten some, too—I’m not sure, and I’m not asking any questions at this point.
So that’s our summer in a nutshell.  Everyone keeps asking to go to the pool or to Target or to ANYWHERE BUT OUR HOUSE, but I am standing firm by my convictions to avoid anywhere that involves taking my children in public, because just no.  No public places.  Ever.  The End.