It’s been a long summer, and I’ve missed you so.
After sitting on my butt for a while (and doing some writing…while sitting on my butt), I’ve joined the exciting world of retail again, and I have some observations I’d like to share, starting with a couple little experiences from today:
- If you enjoy shopping, that is wonderful. If you shop and have to pull shit out of your bra, you should possibly shop for a handbag. I’ma just makin’ a suggestion here, ladies, but when you hand me a paper coupon that is soggy as a syrup-soaked waffle, I’m thinking a coupon wallet might be in order. Also, if you have to dig UNDER-FLIPPIN’-NEATH your triple-Ds to fish out aforementioned disintegrating paper, it’s time to air those puppies out.
- Your bra is not a tool bag. If you pull out a cell phone, money, coupons, AND car keys, I am officially scared shitless of what you are going to pull out next. Leave the damned kitchen sink at home.
- It’s not the Oprah Winfrey Show. I don’t need to know about your great-great-great grandma’s trek across the snow-capped peaks of Mt. Kilimanjaro with nothing but a pair of flip-flops and a box of graham crackers. Holy crap, just buy the socks already! Or hell, I’ll buy them for you. Just decide on something, and let’s get this show on the road.
- If you call me on the phone and ask me what size your 8-year-old wears, I will automatically think you are an idiot. And then I will attempt to freak your shit the hell out by saying something like, “Hang on a sec. Send her over to the window so I can see her better, would you?” As if I have a clue what your 8-year-old looks like.
Also, here is a quick reference chart to some commonly-asked questions (you know, just in case you are feeling snarky):
Q: Will my daughter keep this headband on her head?
A: Probably not, but it will make a great slingshot.
Q: Do you have REAL shoes?
A: No, ours are definitely fake.
Q: Will you watch my kid for me?
A: Sure, but I lost the last one.
Q: So the ENTIRE store is on sale?
A: Well, we actually define the word ‘entire’ differently here. It’s really very complicated.
Q: (8:59 p.m.) What time do you close?
A: As soon as I can manage to get your ass out the door.
Ok, so really, as cheeky as I am, I am honestly having a great time in my new retail adventure. People are FUN! (And funny!)