Monthly Archives: February 2014

Little Man

While loading up for school this morning, Jadon grabbed the newspaper from the driveway.
“Here’s Daddy’s paper, Mom,” he said, as he placed it on the porch.
After I thanked him, he went on to explain, “I’m gonna read the paper one day when I’m big.”
I nodded in that busy-mommy-sort-of-listening way.
He continued.  “I’m going to read it on the toilet, too.  That’s what men do.”
He now had my full attention as I tried not to laugh hot coffee through my nostrils.
Oh yes, young Jedi, a man indeed you will be.

Fixing the Garage Door—A Short Story

It was time for school.
Mommy also wanted to go to CrossFit.
Mommy pushed the garage door opener, but NOTHING happened.
Well, crap.
Mommy tried again.  Still nothing.
The bus rumbled around the corner, so Mommy tossed the kids out into the snow.
They caught the bus.  Barely.
Mommy was still stuck in the garage.  Grrr.
Mommy’s toes were starting to freeze.
Daddy was in California.
Mommy called Daddy to demand a solution.  Because everybody knows that daddys can fix things in Missouri ALL the way from California.  That’s their job.
Since the kids were safely out of earshot, Mommy demanded that Daddy get her the fuck out of the garage…pretty please.
Daddy could not help.
Mommy pulled the string on the garage door to manually open the door.
The whole damned string popped off.  Mommy did not use safe words.
Mommy considered giving up her CrossFit plan and going in the house to day-drink instead.
Mommy got the ladder from the back of the garage.  (Daddy suggested climbing on top of the car, but Mommy told him he should eat a frozen dog turd.)
The ladder was frozen to the floor.  Mommy kicked it.  (Mommy’s toe still hurts.)
Mommy got a screwdriver.  (Not the kind with vodka.)  Mommy violently and repeatedly rammed the screwdriver into the stupid, stupid, dumb, idiotic thingy that should have popped up when Mommy pulled the string to release the manual shit-workings or the garage door opener.
It popped loose a couple of times.  Mommy attempted to lift the door a couple of times.
Mommy eyed the tool she really needed in the corner of the garage.

The garage door is open now.
Daddy may be surprised at the remodeling job that occurred while he was out of town.
The end.

Shit, Die, or Go Blind

Occasionally, I call to memory some of my great-grandma’s sayings—mostly because she was not a lady to mince words and also because well, she said some damned funny shit.  Today’s saying was quickly brought to the forefront by a lovely little CrossFit workout we did today at Cerberus.
The name of the workout is Barbara, which is a seemingly innocuous name, however, if you are at all familiar with the workout setup at CrossFit, you will immediately know that ANY named workout is a bee-yatch.  Barbara is no different. 
In fact, it was this exact workout that left me heaving beside the beautiful walking trail that winds around the nearby lake just blocks from our box not too long ago.  Ah, Barbara, a good, good friend of mine.
Today was quite similar to my last encounter with that lovely lady.  As my great-grandma would have said, by the time the workout was finished with me, I didn’t know whether to shit, die, or go blind.
I know, as most of my friends read this, you are lining up—nay, fighting—to get in the door of the nearest CrossFit box, because who doesn’t want that OhMahGawdI’mGonnaShitMyself feeling in the middle of a workout, right?  But hang on, let me tell you why CrossFit is still awesome.
First of all, unless you ate an entire pot of chili the night before, chances are good that you are going to vomit before you crap in your pants, so that’s awesome.  Way better on the humiliation scale.  You’ll be able to show your face in public much sooner.
Also, you will be able to say you did a badass workout to boot.  “Oh, you did curls,” you’ll say, “how cute.  I ate a kettlebell for breakfast, walked across hot coals, busted out Barbara, and managed not to shit myself…all before noon.”
Ok, you may not say that, but it’s fun to think about, plus you’ll feel über-accomplished just knowing that you got your butt out of bed and turned your muscles into some sort of primordial jelly that might be somewhat functioning by, oh say, Thursday.  But by then, you will have done this all a couple more times.
One more thing.  The really fantastic thing about CrossFit is that it gets you prepared for the unexpected.  So, picture this.  It’s a gorgeous day, and you are out on a hike, all alone in the woods.  Suddenly you encounter Bigfoot.  What are you going to do?  I’ll tell you what you are going to do.  First, you are going to shit your pants.  Then, you are going to have to pull out the best physical activity of your life in order to escape that dude…all with a load of crap in your pants.  Yep, preparation for life, people.  Do it.

And on the shit, die, or go blind thing, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to die.  My vitals seemed ok.  My heart was beating pretty steadily, if a bit vigorously, so I felt safe there.  My vision seemed ok as well.  So I might have to change the saying a bit.
I didn’t know whether I was going to shit, vomit, or pass out.  Gotta love me some Barbara.