Monthly Archives: June 2014

Words Are Lost

I want to write, but there are those times when words just won’t come.  No matter how much I want to force them, they just refuse to be there.  And it’s strange because words are my medicine, my cathartic force.  They fix things.  But they can’t fix this.

I’ve been trying to write, but I can’t seem to get anything out.  I can’t work on my book.  I can’t work on my blog.

I wrote a poem for my dad, because I wanted him to have it.  I wanted to send it with him.  And I wanted everyone to know he had it.  Definitely not my best work, but when you consider that I wrote it with about a half a bottle of wine in me and with a full flood of tears flowing, maybe you can forgive me.

Dad, you weren’t perfect, but I still haven’t found anyone on this earth who is.  You were the best daddy I could have had, and I hope the memories keep pouring in.  I miss you already, and I will miss you always.

Every single time you saw me, you told me, “Let Jesus sleep on your pillow.”  This one’s for you, Dad.

Heaven’s Pillow
A place to lay your weary head
where earthly struggles cannot reach,
A place to rest your tired soul
where angels God’s promises beseech.
A place of peaceful quietness
to envelope every woe
and keep you gently wrapped in
Heaven’s promised fold.
A fight long fought, a day long done,
you’ve lived life to its best.
In standing for the Father,
you’ve found your place of rest.
Lay your head softly down
on pillows made of clouds.
We know we’ll see you soon enough,
though we do not see you now.
So rest a while and know you’re loved
by all those waiting here.
Lay your head on Glory’s cloud
and whisper that you’re near.
Close your eyes and let it go,
let pain and struggles end.
Lay your head on Heaven’s pillow—
we’ll see you yet again.
Let Jesus sleep on your pillow, Dad.

Unquitting

I don’t know how to unquit.  I’m having a huge problem with this.
Let me start by saying that I am not a quitter.  I don’t normally say that I am not enough, that I can’t accomplish what I’ve started out to accomplish.  However, lately I’ve found myself in a slump, a slump that I would probably be able to talk any of my friends out of.
What would I tell a friend?  I would tell them to get up!  I would say if you fall down, dammit, you pick yourself up and you try again.  If you can’t do a pull-up, you do an assisted pull-up and you say that’s better than all the people who are sitting on their asses on the couch.  If you aren’t a fast runner, you run YOUR fastest…and that’s better than being stagnant.  If you can’t clean 150 pounds, you clean 125…and you work toward 150.  So what the hell is wrong with me?  Why can’t I take my own advice?
I keep telling myself that I’m too old.  I’m too busy.  I’m too committed to other things.
But you know what?  Pretty soon, I won’t be ABLE to commit to anything because my body will get so tired of being run down that it won’t want to do even the most basic of everyday tasks.  Pretty soon, I will look forward to naps and afternoon tea and (good Gawd) support hose, and then what will I do?
I have been looking for easy.  And guess what?  There is no easy way out.  I recently spent $300 on supplements at Complete Nutrition, which I am sure are wonderful additions to my everyday regimen…if I could come up with a regimen.  I also recently purchased $75 hot pants so that my thighs would sweat profusely as I walked (or did laundry or whatever).  Let’s not forget the small fortune I have spent in fish oil, protein powder, workout tees, and shoes.  And all that is fine and dandy if I could just get my ASS in gear.
All of the aforementioned things are nothing but replacements for what really needs to happen.  I need to get my REAL self in the game.  I need to get my real self prepared to be the best I can be, and there is nothing I can buy at any store that will make that happen.  The only thing that can make that happen is me making the commitment to SHOW UP.  And I don’t know how to unquit.
I don’t know how to believe in myself enough to make that happen.  I don’t know how to invest that much in myself.  I don’t know how to give up on all the exterior things that promise to add to my regimen and count on only MYSELF to make it happen.
Society sells us so many things, from powders and potions to t-shirts and pants, from supplements and vitamins to shaker bottles and memberships.  But when it really boils down to it, all it depends on is yourself.
It’s taken me YEARS to figure this out.  And it’s heartbreaking to realize that there is a hole somewhere.  I still don’t know where it is.  I have fixed so many things, but there are still so many things to be fixed.  There is still so much work to do, and the good thing is that hopefully there is time to do the work.  We aren’t done until we are done.
So now I have to figure out a plan.  How does one unquit?  How does one go about being unembarrassed around friends and mentors, people who have believed, trained, and dragged your butt through rigorous and fulfilling workouts?  How does one pick up a bar again?  Squat again?  Put weights back on their shoulders?
With humility.  And knowing there is still much to be learned.  And much to be gained from moving forward…one painful step at a time.
Unquitting is much harder than beginning.  Don’t quit.