Dear Eyeball Doctor,

My eyeballs are fubar.  Can you fix this?  Specifically, my left eyeball.  It sucks donkey balls.  In fact, I’m pretty sure donkey balls have better vision than my left eyeball right now, and that is wrong.
There are many reasons why that is wrong.  Allow me to list them below:
  • I read and write a lot.  I feel as if I should be able to see in order to do those things.
  • My children will go to school wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants without the aid of my excellent fashion sense…and VISION.  (Oh, they have done that before my eye was bad?  Well, it will be WORSE now.)
  • I am better able bake a delicious Totino’s dinner when I can see.
  • Cars driving beside me on the road feel much safer when my vision is clear.  Currently, I careen from side to side like a drunken teenager attempting to make it home from a downtown rave.  It ain’t lookin’ so pretty.
  • And when I get pulled over for my sobriety test, I’m not going to be able to get my finger to touch my nose either, because I can’t SEE shit.  Also, pretty sure I won’t be able to walk a straight line, what with that whole only-seeing-out-of-one-eye thing.
  • Can we talk about the oozing goop now?  I feel that donkey balls are also more attractive than my eyeball, and that is unacceptable.
  • My glasses make me grumpy sometimes (ok, a lot), especially when they slide down my face like I have greased my nose with a stick of margarine.  Usually this occurs when I sweat—like if I clean the house or do laundry or if someone expects me to walk to the television to change the volume rather that use the remote.  Anyway, when my glasses slide down my face, evil demons take over my body—and also my Tourette’s becomes unmanageable.

So there it is.  It’s not pretty.  And it needs to be fixed.  Is there some sort of cream?  Or tablet?  Or suppository I can take for this?  Because this is really becoming quite insufferable.  I feel like, with all the advances in technology (I mean, for the love of cheesecake, we can make spaceships fly to the moon!!), that I could get something to make my eyeball better.  (Dear science friends, I KNOW we don’t really call them spaceships.)  I will pay money.  I will give you a kidney.  Moonshine.  
Whatever you need.  Just. Give. Me. The. Medicine.
It needses the medicines.  My precious.
Also, before I forget, I believe I have mentioned that the eye drops I am currently using feel like a combination of lemon juice and vinegar.  I was a little off.  Add Tabasco to that.  Yep, that’s more accurate.  Lemon juice, vinegar, and Tabasco.  Very pleasant.  Yet my eye is still fuzzy.
If this is a practical joke, very funny.  Very funny indeed.
Thank you for your attention to this urgent medical matter,

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