- General Seriousness
- Throat lozenges.
- Punching bag.
- Anger management counselor.
- One of those people who follows you around with a big leaf, fanning you. (You know, like in Egypt or in the movies. Do they really DO that in Egypt, because if so, I totally need to go there.)
- More booze.
- A nap.
- Always brief your bridge troll on the specifics of ANY and all situations regarding human contact and interaction, especially when dealing with strangers. Remember, any human contact or socialization can be construed as tactical warfare, and the troll will respond accordingly. Example: If you arrive at a party and there are people in attendance that the troll was not expecting to see or meet, you can expect that your troll’s level of anxiety will immediately be heightened.
- As soon as you notice a heightened state of anxiety in your troll, immediately provide alcohol. Lots of alcohol. This provides medicinal support and will help your troll avoid any emotional trauma that could result from an uncomfortable social situation.
- Make your troll aware of any and all upcoming social engagements as soon as you become aware of them. You will need to remind your troll of these engagements as the date approaches, and it will probably require bribery to actually get your troll to attend the specified engagement. (Note: When the actual date of the social engagement arrives, your troll WILLtry to get out of going. This is normal and to be expected. Once again, lean on alcohol and bribery. Never threaten a troll, as they CAN and do become violent when cornered.)
- Never, never EVER remind your troll that she is a troll. Your troll knows that she is a troll and is forever self-conscious about the troll-isms that control her day-to-day activities. Accusations of troll activity and combative behavior will only cause your troll to go into hiding, most likely in an upstairs bedroom or closet.
- Bridge trolls are good at holding grudges. If you should find yourself in a disagreement with your troll, remember that the storm will eventually pass. Well, maybe. However, should you want to bribe your troll or ply her with gifts, it’s helpful to shop for things such as dictionaries, out-of-print books, and other such nerd-attractors. Trolls love items like these and are more likely to thaw when presented with geektastic treasures such as the aforementioned.
- Trolls are not excessive talkers, especially at the end of a long day. In fact, you may actually hear your troll growl in certain situations. It’s important to remember that trolls require downtime in which words are not being violently flung in their general direction.
I want to write, but there are those times when words just won’t come. No matter how much I want to force them, they just refuse to be there. And it’s strange because words are my medicine, my cathartic force. They fix things. But they can’t fix this.
I’ve been trying to write, but I can’t seem to get anything out. I can’t work on my book. I can’t work on my blog.
I wrote a poem for my dad, because I wanted him to have it. I wanted to send it with him. And I wanted everyone to know he had it. Definitely not my best work, but when you consider that I wrote it with about a half a bottle of wine in me and with a full flood of tears flowing, maybe you can forgive me.
Dad, you weren’t perfect, but I still haven’t found anyone on this earth who is. You were the best daddy I could have had, and I hope the memories keep pouring in. I miss you already, and I will miss you always.
Every single time you saw me, you told me, “Let Jesus sleep on your pillow.” This one’s for you, Dad.
- Where to put our horse. (We don’t have a horse. We live in a suburb, and I’m pretty sure there would be a hefty home owners association fine if we attempted to keep a horse in our yard.) “The horse should live in the front yard,” said one. “No! The horse has to live in the back yard because we have a fence back there,” said the other one. (Mommy was still thinking to herself, “But we don’t have a fucking horse!”)
- Do horses take baths? Holy crap on a cracker, they actually agreed that indeed, horses probably DO take baths. However, the disagreement occurred as they discussed the size of the damned horse bathtub we would need to install in our back yard. One said we would need a large bathtub. The other said we would definitely need to scale down to a medium bathtub because a large horse bathtub would be WAY too expensive. (We don’t have a fucking horse! But kudos to one of them for thinking of the financial ramifications of purchasing a too-large horse bathtub.)
- So-and-so didn’t do his homework.
- “Yes I did, and so-and-so is a tattletale!”
- It’s no fun to play Minecraft with my brother because he always blows up my guys and destroys my houses.
- So-and-so can’t invite MY friends to his birthday party. And by the way, I am having a sleep-over, and he can’t have one because that would be COPYING, and that is RUDE.
- “We should get chickens,” says one. “No!” says the other one, “I want ducks.” (Mommy, while quietly sipping vodka-coffee-concoction, is thinking, “We still can’t have any livestock. We don’t live on a fucking farm!”
- “But chickens are cuter than ducks.”
- “No! Ducks are WAY cuter than chickens. PLUS they swim. Swimming is fun, and ducks are better.”
- Are space aliens green? Discuss.
- Should we go to the pool or the park? Fight it out.
- Which are better…kangaroos or jellyfish? Why?
- Who has smellier toes? Prove it.
- Can bears sing? Are you sure?
- Can goats really eat anything?
- Can you swim in a volcano? Why or why not?
- Who left their bicycle in the driveway?
- Should we let whales live in our swimming pool?